A Weekly Family Reunion
-DOLPH LARAIO-
I was invited to a family reunion a couple weeks ago by someone whom I had helped in the flood relief efforts. My friend and her family are from a different ethnic background and culture than I am. I was excited to go, and was not disappointed! Lots of family members come in for this annual event, and they know how to cook! It was a really nice experience, and an honor to be invited and introduced by my friend as her ‘family’.
I noticed how polite everyone was when I was introduced to them, but if my friend would walk away, nobody would approach me to start a conversation. It was up to me to initiate conversation. But I didn’t know who I should talk to or what kind of conversation to conjure up out of nowhere. They all seemed happy to be with each other and reminisce, and they were very friendly—to each other. I was very aware that I was in their world. It didn’t make me uncomfortable in any way; it was just clear that I was the outsider because of not having history and relational equity.
Every local church seems to think they are such a welcoming group of people. Three different people will say hello (but nothing else) to you from the parking lot to the front doors when you visit. People smile and nod their heads at you as they’re engaged in their own conversations. But it’s inevitably only the ‘weird cousin’ that really wants to engage in any meaningful conversation (don’t worry, I’m describing myself). Then we, the visitor, will leave and won’t have a real desire to return, and the congregants all wonder why.
Take it a step further—what happens when an unchurched person visits and has no context for what they’re walking into? We don’t even realize how much our church culture dictates what we say and do on Sunday mornings. But the person who walks in with no expectations, no vocabulary, no concept is left wondering what is going on all around them. And they are usually not going to know who to start a conversation with, or what should be talked about.
When you see an unfamiliar face on a Sunday morning, what do you do? Do you smile and continue to talk to your own (extended, spiritual) family? Do you say hello and then think that person should now feel comfortable and know what’s going on? Do you even notice new faces anymore? Do you have to think about the last time you truly engaged someone who’s outside your church family?
If you need a reminder of what it’s like to be on the other side of church culture, put yourself in that same position. Go to a synagogue on a Saturday morning. Or to a book club, or sewing club, or brew club—something that’s outside of what you currently know anything about. Something where you’ll be dependent on someone else to truly welcome you in and walk you through things. It will give you a ton of perspective that most of us need!
We can’t have family reunions every week if they are not intentionally open to new family members. But remember not to be the weird cousin---leave that to me! And if you don’t know who the weird cousin is in your congregation, watch out, because it’s probably you!